We Will Remember You, Mom

I lost my mother in July. There’s a big hole in my heart. It wasn’t unexpected – she had Alzheimer’s – but I don’t think you are ever ready for a loved one to die.

Alzheimer’s – The Long Goodbye

Nancy Reagan called Alzheimer’s “the long goodbye” after spending several years at her husband’s (President Ronald Reagan) side, watching him slowly slip away.

Alzheimer’s is a vicious, cruel disease. It takes away your memories, starting with your most recent ones and working its way backwards.

This horrible disease takes away your ability to remember where you live and how to get there even though you’ve traveled the same streets for forty years.

It takes away the names of your grandchildren, your children and sometimes even your spouse of many years.

There’s currently no cure, but I sure hope there’s one soon. Chances are, since my mother had Alzheimer’s, I could have it too, someday. And THAT, my friends, is a terrifying thought! I am a writer. To think I will one day lose my ability to put words on paper and have them make sense . . . well, there are no words to describe how that affects me.

I could lose my memories of all the wonderful books I’ve read (and hopefully written), all the memorable movies I’ve seen, all the awesome people I’ve known and all the exciting places I’ve visited. As they say now – “I can’t even”.

Missing Her

Yes, I lost my mom in July . . . but to be honest . . . I lost her several years ago when she started forgetting things. I miss being able to talk to her, ask her questions about the past and reminisce about places we’d lived and people we’d known. Physically she was still there, but little by little Alzheimer’s chipped away at her brain. It erased memories, but it also eliminated logic and her ability to make decisions.

I think about her every day. People ask me if I miss being able to call her and ask her opinion about things since she passed away. I answer “yes”, but in all honesty, I haven’t really been able to do that for years. I mean, I could ask her, but it would just confuse her.

So, yes, I miss my mom. But I miss who she used to be – before Alzheimer’s.

Before Alzheimer’s

My mother’s name is Lafay Morse Byrd.

Before Alzheimer’s, she was a beautiful, loving person who loved people and would do everything in her power to help her family and friends. She loved visiting others – like we used to in the 1950’s and 60’s.

My dad was in the Army, so she was a military wife. That was a hard life. For a majority of their marriage, they were apart – him overseas, her living with her parents (with us children), waiting for his return to the states. He spent three tours in Germany, one in Vietnam, North Africa, Korea and Okinawa. When he was away, she was mother and father to my brother, sister and me. She was a strong woman. As a child, I never thought of her as strong . . . it was only as I grew older, left home and figured out life was harder than I thought that I began to gain more respect for her. Don’t get me wrong – I loved my mom, I had just never considered her “strong”.

Travel was one of her passions, especially as she got older. She and a friend did the “roadtrip-thing” from the Gulf Coast of Mississippi (where she lived) to California and back. Mom also liked to drive to see her daughters (my sister in Nashville and me, in Kansas City) and several of her friends around the country. She was so proud of her independence.

But the most exciting thing for her was her family – her three children, six grandchildren, and nine great-grandchildren. She was on a fixed income but she sent birthday cards to each of the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren . . . until she didn’t any more . . . because she couldn’t remember.

Pre-Diagnosis

I lived several states away from Mom and visited her once or twice a year. She visited us in Kansas City occasionally, but her trips to see us became fewer and fewer as I saw her becoming more feeble. We talked every week on the phone, but it was those face-to-face meetings when I began to see the changes.

We see people every day without really “SEEING” them. Have you ever just stopped and looked at your parents? I mean really looked at them?  I realized several years ago that my mother was beginning to look tired. Every time I was with her, I would search her face, looking for signs of aging. And they were there. Her back began to curve, she was getting shorter, her wrinkles were more pronounced. She was getting OLD.

I also began to notice she was forgetting things – mostly conversations.

“Did I tell you your Aunt Janelle passed away last month?”

“Yes, Mom.”

Five minutes later during the same phone call:

“Did I tell you your Aunt Janelle passed away last month?”

“Yes, Mom.”

But she also had trouble remembering how to get back home when she went to a doctor’s appointment. She forgot to turn the oven off when something was cooking. (My brother showed up at her house just before the smoke detectors went off.)

We (my brother and I) decided we needed to take her to a doctor and find out if she had Alzheimer’s.

After Alzheimer’s

She saw a doctor, he did some tests, and confirmed that she did indeed, have Alzheimer’s. Not only that, he said she shouldn’t drive or be allowed to use the oven any more.

My brother took away her car keys and unplugged the stove. She was very upset. Let me rephrase that . . . She was extremely ANGRY and upset. And THAT was when I noticed her personality begin to change. She went through depression, she cried a lot. She would call me and complain about my brother treating her like a child. I didn’t know what to do to help her, but just tried to keep her calm.

She changed almost overnight and started forgetting major things. Grandchildren and great-grandchildren’s names escaped her. Her brain was changing.

THAT was when I really lost my mother. I mean, yes, she died in July, but she had been gone for a long time.

A Life Forgotten

My mother loved me, I never doubted that and she recognized my face and my voice – up to the end. That was truly a blessing – something you don’t take lightly with Alzheimer’s.

But she forgot my sister, Laura, who died in 2006 from cancer. She forgot my dad died in the 1970’s and thought he was still overseas. If anyone mentioned he had died several years ago, she went through mourning for him again. She forgot her parents died forty years ago.

We put together a photo album for her but when we sat with her and went through the pictures, she only remembered people from when she was younger.

I am determined that my children and grandchildren remember Grandma Byrd – the kindest and sweetest mother, grandma and great-grandma ever to live on earth. We remember her as she was when she was still able to get around, when she laughed at silly things her grandchildren did, when she had a twinkle in her eye.

I love you mom. I’ll see you in heaven someday.

Tell Grandma, Granddaddy and Laura “hello” for me.

If you would like to be notified each time I post a new article, please fill out this form.